This is a page about why resumes don't fucking work.

Seriously, what the fuck are you doing?

You probably apply to jobs and think your experience speaks for itself because you believe you are special. You think your 3-page LaTeX resume template that you just downloaded off a Reddit forum with your shitty degree from a no-name school and bullet point you wrote about "worked closely with leadership to drive revenue" is going to land you a job. You think spamming one-click apply on LinkedIn 741 times and telling your friends that you're applying to 50 jobs a day because "applying to a job is a full-time job" is gonna give you a better chance. Wrong, stupid. Let me describe your perfect-ass job search:

• You apply to ONE company at a time instead of 741
• You prove you can do the job before you land the job as if you are already on their fucking team
• You reach the actual person in power, like the CEO, not HR
• You spend 36 hours on ONE application at a time instead of 10 mins on 741
• You get the job through vibes b/c they already know you can do the job

Why are you applying like it's 1988? wtf

Zoom out. Look at this shit. You're spamming your resume to hundreds of companies that don't give a fuck about you. Waiting for someone to give you permission to prove yourself. Fuck them. You spent two hours "customizing" your resume the other day for 50 different jobs. But all you really did was change the font size from 12 Times New Roman to 11 Times New Roman to make everything fit on one page, because some asshole online said you have to have a one-page resume. You're paying $20/month for an AI tool to auto-apply you to 585 jobs in 10 seconds. Honestly, fuck you. Why the fuck would you trust AI slop with how you're going to spend your time? You're competing with 1,859 other desperate people who are all using the same fucking AI tools, writing the same AI cover letters, submitting the same AI-optimized resumes. And they all look and sound exactly like you. And some overworked recruiter is gonna spend 6 seconds on your resume, looking for the perfect keywords, because they don't really know what the fuck is going on either.

You never knew it, but it's easier than ever to actually get a job. Here's why.

It's simple

Stop applying to mythical LLCs. You realize people run companies? APPLY TO PEOPLE, FUCK JOB BOARDS. Find ONE person you want to work with. Research the shit out of them. Figure out their biggest problem. Solve it. Show them the solution. That's it.

It's fucking effective

You know there are thousands of fucking people who landed their dream jobs without doing the stupid shit you're doing?

Katie wanted to work at Airbnb. Did she submit a resume? Fuck no. She created katielovesairbnb.com and did a full-on marketing campaign. She got the job.

Some guy wanted to work at GQ. You think he applied online? Nah. He made a fake GQ magazine cover with himself on it and sent it to the editor. He beat out thousands of entitled assholes like you to stand out and get the job.

You know what Jennifer did when she wanted to become a software engineer? She didn't submit a fucking resume.

Start thinking like a degenerate gambler. Probability. Your AI slop one click using latex times new roman resume strategy compared to mine? Gets fucked. Keep doing what you're doing lmao. Easier for ppl like me to land dream jobs.

It fucking works

Here's what you're allowed to do that nobody told you (b/c your mentors never got their dream jobs):

• Apply to a job that doesn't exist on their job board cuz you love the product and would do anything possible to work there
• Reach out directly to the CEO via text. EASY
• Literally go crazy, buy a billboard by company HQ, link to ur application
• Be 100% yourself during interviews, if they don't fuck with you then FUCK THEM
• Fly to their city and "be in town" for a quick chat
• Send the CEO their favorite liquor and attach a QR code to the bottle with your unique ass application that shows you can do the job before landing the job cuz you actually CARE
• Spend more time picking WHO to work with than on the application itself

You're allowed to do literally anything. There is only ONE RULE: prove you can do the job before you apply to the job. As if you are already on the team. JUST SHOW YOU ARE OBSESSED. GIVE A FUCK. THE BAR IS SO GOD DAMN LOW. YOU CAN DO IT HOLY FUCK. JUST DO IT.

This is how smart ppl land their dream jobs. Study this shit as if your life depends on it.

There's like 1 person out of 10,000 that will actually take this advice to heart and figure the rest the fuck out. The rest of you will never stop mass applying your latex resume using AI tinder for jobs, you sir, have no fucking idea how to get a job. No creativity. No agency. It's ok, but you will lose to the crazy obsessed ppl who do the opposite. Just look at what Katie did, Jennifer. GET INSPIRED.

Yes, this is fucking satire, you fuck

I literally just made this site in 30 seconds. THIS COULD BE A DREAM JOB APPLICATION. I got inspired by this. I said hmm, let me do that for myself, solve how to land jobs without adding AI SLOP to the market. THEN I DID IT. NOW YOU ARE LOOKING AT THIS SHIT. you. CAN. do. THIS. TODAY.

"Prove you can do the job before you apply to the job."
- some polish guy who lands whatever job he wants

learn more (or don't idgaf but for the 1 out of 10,000, get a less aggro breakdown) at resumesdontwork.com